6/1/26 13:54: today is the day i start identifying as aromantic. though it's something i've kept in the back of my mind for a while now, this isn't really a big thing for me. i feel like when people describe figuring out their orientation, it's this big comforting thing that makes everything make sense. it's never been like that for me. my orientation is what it is. i suppose that's comforting too - i'm safe. enviromentally and in myself. there's no danger in changing. anyhow, i figured putting it here would make it feel more real. so, yeah. i'm aromantic!


21/12/25 20:06: ironically, i think me not being able to accept that i was having negative emotions in response to the situation was the problem. beating myself up about how i was reacting to the situation made me spiral into the 'why can't i function like everybody else?' thoughts. based on past experiences it probably would've ended the same regardless but. y'know. trying to accept a situation that has always caused me to Freak Out was way too big a first step. i should accept how i am first.

i've been thinking about what 'accepting' means exactly. especially with past events, i mean, the whole reason i'm mulling over it is because it happened - that's the problem! no denial there! except, my thoughts surrounding negative memories are often about how unjust it was and how it/i could've been different. my insistence at picking and picking at the scab of the memory and bringing up previous negative thoughts borders on being masturbatory. obviously i want to be happy, it's just so hard for seemingly no reason. most of my misery comes from my selective mutism, a disorder that is caused simply by disposition. so, what, all of my despair is my fault for being naturally weak? how is that FAIR? why couldn't i be DIFFERENT? do you see what i'm getting at here? while i'm not in denial of having selective mutism, i haven't fully accepted it either.

'It doesn’t mean you like, condone, or otherwise approve of what’s happening. It simply means your focus is on navigating the situation, not on what you believe the situation should be.'

17/12/25: struggled today. i'm working on radical acceptance to help cope with school, and i'm really bad at it. this has been a life-long problem; my ehcp states that i'm controlling at least 3 times, all of the sources being from 2019. i think it's a little silly that things from 6 years ago are still on there, without even being updated to be from a more recent source... but it is what it is.

anyways, on monday i did really well with it! mondays are my favourite because we do maths and english, which makes me feel like i actually learned something that day. however we weren't doing any work this monday, just christmas quizzes, which made me rather frustrated. a big part of me not wanting to engage in work that i view as pointless/stupid is that i don't have any other way to express my displeasure. if i do it, doesn't that show i agree with it? i reassured myself that wasn't the case and was able to handle it.

for some reason today i just couldn't cope with it. it could be i woke up late that morning, or that i forgot to put my journal in my bag last night. perhaps my shoes were too tight, or my head just wasn't screwed on quite right... the teacher wasn't in, and the cover teachers had no idea what to do. i showed them where the folders with our previous work is, but it didn't really help. my limbs, throat and thoughts were heavy and i felt very out of it. i fled to the bathroom. i keep desperately needing to cry but being unable to; it just makes my throat sore. originally i was intending to stay in there, but i figured i should give it another try.

it went the same, but i was able to ask for some paracetamol (period pain) and while they were calling my mum i asked if i could go home. we decided i'd wait this lesson out in another room instead (i wanted to be in for the last lesson). i stared at the floor and felt kinda hollowed out. my brain went to the normal thoughts i have during moments like this: why me? what did i ever do to deserve this? why couldn't i be like everyone else? (these thoughts are like the opposite of what you want with radical acceptance lol) this time a few tears and noises were able to escape, though not nearly the amount i needed.

today i came to the realisaton that i don't want to be at the college i am. like i said, i love mondays because i learn something. the other days are just something i do, because i have to, since i'm there. i don't feel fulfilled after them like i do mondays. the problem is i can't cope here with it being too easy/pointless yet i probably wouldn't cope elsewhere with it being too difficult. a rock and a hard place.

i'm not sure what the lesson is. i suppose all there is to do is research more about radical acceptance and just try try try. maybe speak to my mum and teachers. accept that i'll have to accept it, at least for the rest of the school year.

4/12/25: writing i did for small zine:

Fight, flight, freeze and fawn are instinctive responses to danger. These reactions helped our ancestors survive encounters with dangerous animals. In the modern world, however, these responses can work against us… such as the case for people with anxiety disorders and phobias. Selective mutism could also be described as a phobia of speech and a result of the freeze response.

Imagine having paralysing fear whenever you're in a situation you might be expected to speak, and experiencing intense dread after doing so. That’s most days for me, ever since I was 5. SM is a desperate desire for something that terrifies me. It’s made fear and anxiety dictate my life, and won’t surrender unless I confront it every day. It's a battle I'm willing to fight because being able to express myself is truly, truly worth it.


20/11/25: hate to all those who tag their explicit works as mature

19/11/25 20:26: Hoping to finally go to a library and just out more in general soon... excited for the future yippee!!!


25/10/25 13:00: Tahani from The Good Place i'm in lesbians with you


28/9/25 19:25: Just saw Spider-Man 2 in cinema OUGHHHH... OHHH my god. The soundtrack for the Raimi trilogy is so iconic and distinct, there's like this one specific leitmotif in it... Insomniac's Spider-Man has something similiar. Listening to it over all the speakers was SO GOODDD AGH. I was literally transcending guys, being so fr right now. THE SOUNDS, TOO; those moments where you can hear Dock Ock getting closer, I could FEEL the vibrations of every thud. It was so awesome!!! The scene where Harry unmasked Peter reminded me of ASM #122; Peter leaving Harry when he's in emotional turmoil because of a situation including the girl he loves.

22/9/25 18:09: HARRY IS SUCH A CUTIE IN SPIDER-MAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES AGHHH

19/9/25 17:39: Guess who cried because of something that happened at a till yet again...
Something i've noticed is that people feel entitled to your speech. That's not neccessarily bad on it's own; I think we naturally expect a response when speaking to someone. What matters is how someone reacts when that expectation isn't met.


19/8/25 18:58: FUCK EVE FOR EATING THAT FUCKASS APPLE (period pain)


31/7/25 16:50: I. Hate. ROLLING PASTRY RARGHHHHHHHH

28/7/25 20:20: My cookies are perfect circles this time!

27/7/25 18:30: RADIOACTIVE scientist yaoi holy moly.

27/7/25 16:46: Why was kraven turned into a furry AGAIN!?

27/7/25 14:26: Ultimate Spider-Man's Electro was Spamton before Spamton was Spamton.

26/7/25 23:09: Watching Ultimate Spider-Man: can't believe they've got tragic scientist yaoi (Curt and Otto) and toxic scientist yaoi (Otto and Curt) in here.

23/7/25 21:09: Today I volunteered for the first time at a charity shop, baked some shortbread biscuits, and organised my clothes! Good day!!!

19/5/25 21:51: Most abysmal period pain: worse cramps ever: back pain, trembling, sweating, nausea, MY BODY IS TRYING TO KILL ME OFF.

15/7/25 21:36: SIGHHH someone make a video showing all the dialogues from the Befriend Asterius and Theseus mod PLEASEEEEEE being a console player strikes again. 💔💔

3/7/25 17:10: Why am I falling in love with the Interdimensional Prince save me.


22/6/25 02:21: I hope someone records all the routes for Jean Loo Pissoir soon. </3 (That name must be crazy out of context. He's the toilet in Date Everything. Actually, maybe it's crazier in context.)

21/6/25 08:18: A spider just nonchalantly crawled out from under my quilt ???

19/6/25: Should get my braces off next time I go YIPPEEEE, last day of school tomorrow YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

17/6/25 18:51: Woah, I'm pretty sure it's been a week of sleeping well... I really thought I would fail via revenge bedtime procrasination on Sunday, like usual, but no!!! Even if I falter, I'm hopeful I can keep this up into being a regular habit. :D (CRAZY hack: turns out taking your medication prescribed for helping with sleep helps with sleeping !!?!)

16/6/25: Today I pulled Ace of Pentacles, a seed of centeredness, prosperity, and security. Pretty good for the start of the last week at school, right? Good things are ahead!! :)

13/6/25 14:19: My life is peace and happiness when I don't have school.

12/6/25 15:56: Trying to work on the embarrassment I get from my 'I'm being watched and they can hear my thoughts' thing.

11/6/25: Reminders:

10/6/25 16:04: I GOT GLASSES I CAN PLAY BIDEO GAMES AGAIN YIPPEEEEE

9/6/25 13:56: ONLY ONE EXAM LEFT!! free me.........

8/6/25 20:20: Ughh tragedy save me. Save me relationships that could never work out despite how much the character(s) try and try. Characters digging their own graves save me!!!!!!!

7/6/25 14:50: SOAKED from rain but it was worth it for the Barbie, High School Musical 2 and Weezer cds i got...

6/6/25 18:00: This english paper was easier than the first one. Glad this is the last one, though.

5/6/25 15:32: Today I did things I was bad at in front of people I was scared of and it was okay.

4/6/25 20:10: Tired. I was scared during the maths exam, because the teacher kept looking at my paper which made me keep freezing. At break my friends and I played with some LPS, which was fun.

3/6/25 00:47: Whoever decided to add the 'Sent from Outlook for iOS' thing watch your back...............

2/6/25 16:35: I heart hoarding worthless things.

1/6/25 03:45: First of the month !!!! It's almost half way through 2025 that's crazy... only two weeks with exams left, Is think.


31/5/25 19:05: I was SO tired earlier but now I'm actually doing stuff I feel fine lol. Currently: adding more links, making the new page design accessible on mobile, and polishing my TSSM notes for a diary entry.

30/5/25 22:46: Yum yum yummy cake.

29/5/25 19:13: Going to finally get a new pair of glasses. Excited to play video games again! :3

27/5/25 19:24: HOLY MOLY I just realised my first blorbo blog entry was A YEAR AGO ?????? Huh. Who. What.

27/5/25 14:51: I like birds (messengers with wings) and angels (messengers with wings).

26/5/25 15:37: Commented on someone's guestbox and all my emojis went wrong EMBARRASED. </3

26/5/25 13:30: Details and summary LOVE to see me coming.

24/5/25 15:20: At my niece's birthday party on my seeing the life I've always wanted grind.

23/5/25 18:56: I managed to write like 6 paragraphs.

22/5/25 19:56: My ass is NOT gonna be able to write anything for the English GCSE.

21/5/25 11:15: RIP Dmitri you would've loved making OCs.

19/5/25 17:33: Did a scrapbook entry for the first time in a while.

18/5/25 19:04: I.G.G.Y CAME HOME !!1!!!1! YIPPEEEEE

16/5/25 18:55: Today was good! I laughed and talked a lot. Although that means I'm exhausted, so thank goodness it's Friday.

16/5/25 01:21: Finally decided on a tagging system for chameleon things. Now I just need to go through all my reblogs and re-tag them... x_x

15/5/25 18:11: There were many questions about circles.. I don't know anything about circles... Later at school, my friend tried to heat up this beaded snake plush and it combusted. Its grave is the staff room's bin.

13/5/25 17:40: First GCSE exam! It was alright.. there were a couple I didn't know the answer to so I just bullshitted them and might still get a mark or two. There were, like, way too many math questions, like, umm I thought this was biology. >:,(

10/5/25 21:07: My phone needs charging, my laptop needs charging, my media player needs charging, I NEED CHARGING! Are there any other things that need charging i should know about???

9/5/25 17:05: My laptop is kinda broken... It randomly turns off, and randomly won't turn on. If it does actually break, I have all the important stuff (not that much) saved to an SD card, so I won't lose too much. and I can use my sister's laptop until christmas. Let's hope for the best, though!

8/5/25: When a shampoo bottle is nearly empty so while you're trying to squeeze some out it's panting like it's giving birth and you're gathering all the bodily fluids in your hand.


30/4/25 21:22: I have £6.66 worth in 20p coins.

30/4/25 14:07: Why is there literally enough hair in this carpet to make a wig (<- hoovering).


18/2/25 18:54: Every time I think about telling someone my thoughts I expect to be laughed at, yet everytime I do they treat me kindly and lovingly. Waoh. I will learn nothing from this.

04/2/25 23:20: I was being dramatic and everything was in my head I love my friends. ❤︎


09/1/25 19:16: I hate CSS why is my vertical scrollbar not showinggg when i only have 'overflow-x: hiddennnnnnn' hahaaaaa.

06/1/25 18:52: Tries some clown make-up with the shitty Halloween make-up I had left over. :D Very tired because I stayed up all night zz.

04/1/25 06:51: Cat.. Trying to walk on keyboard... Agh!!2!

04/1/25 04:07: Cat.. Blocking screen... Agh!!1!


24/12/24 19:04: Ho ho hoe.

19/12/24 16:36: Burst out crying while paying for 2 packs of gum and blu-tack at the shop... A nice lady paid for my pack of gum though.

09/12/24 11:56: Do I have the time? Oh, yeah, let me just check my AWESOME SPIDER-MAN WATCH.

07/12/24 18:20: Straight up walking it. And by it. Haha, well lets just say. Underground.

06/12/2024 22:22: Microblog is here!! Currently having a sleepover at a friends. :-]