18/01/2025 -- 24/01/2025

Today, I went to some charity shops with my friend and her mum! I woke up at 9 am after a nap, and got dressed, complete with make-up and the chunky boot I got for christmas. I brushed my teeth, sprayed a bunch of body spray and... did not brush my hair. It looked fine, okay!! Brushing my hair just takes away the volume and makes it look even more greasy >_>. Yet, I do need to learn how to properly brush it eventually... SIGH. The whole process of getting changed, even into my pajamas, is so overwhelming.

I was gonna write more but fell asleep.. and then didn't touch it for 6 days. So I guess that's the end of the entry? Here's what I got, anyways:

I spent £21.50. What's mainly driving up the price is the game, £7, and the coat, which was £6. I'm so happy with both though!! My mum was literally telling me in the morning that I needed another coat... manifestation runs in the family FR. There was another coat in there that I was looking at which was similar but fuzzier and light brown, but black matches everything and is what my wardrobe mostly consists of. Also it was £1 more expensive.. For some reason... £1 is £1!! That can get me at least 2 dvds!

As for the game, I was so shocked when I saw it standing there! The charity shop in general was kinda like a vintage shop, too? Like there was this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cup and plate from the 80's or whatever, and a Kate Bush cassette tape my friend pointed out to me. It was like £12-£16 though so.. no new cassette tape for me -_-;. Anyways, it still has the manual and everything! Electro's one of my favourite villains, so this was such a cool find. I actually thought of buying a PS1 just to play this, haha. I could! It fits nicely with the other PlayStation games I have on display too; maybe I could try to collect them all? Hm... There's too many Spider-Man collectibles in the world.

My friend got a PS3 Little BigPlanet disc, and actually was going to buy a Playstation 3 just for it. Luckily, her dad had one that he said she could have, so she didn't have to. She seriously was, though! I think when she has her mind set on something, she won't give it up. Maybe it's an autism thing? She saw a camera at another charity shop for £15 and instantly wanted that, as well. When her mum was telling her you'll need film.. and special batteries.. and it might not work at all.., she got a bit upset at her... I thought it was a bit unwarranted, but I can understand rigid thinking.

Some last straying thoughts... I love the LazyTown disc way more than I thought I would, such fun songs. I'm glad to finally have a thicker jumper, and the big chunky buttons are so cute! I think I'll fall asleep yet again now.

13/01/2025

Guess who has two thumbs and who's mum messed up the term dates? This gal! Yeah, so we actually weren't in till Tuesday, so I got ready and stayed up all night for no reason! It could've been worse though; my friend and her mum actually drove there, haha.

Anyways, it's currently 03:05, which means it's the end of the actual first week in January and the start of the second week at school. Which has been, umm, not good, althought it's really my own fault. The first day was better than I thought it would be! Obviously, because my expectation was based on what my anxiety running overdrive was overthinking about. However despite it being proved wrong, I know I'll still feel like this next time. I'm feeling it right now! It's hard to focus on my anxiety being proved wrong, when so often I feel like it's proved right. Negative experiences stand out a lot more than positive ones, unfortunately. And I just have bad luck.

On Thursday, I wouldn't get out bed. It was really stressful. My mum got upset and shouted at me. After I woke up again somewhere around 10 am she came in and apologised, though weirdly it just made me more upset. She said that I know if I just speak to her and explain I'm not feeling up to it she'll let me have the day off, and that she felt disrespected by me just shaking my head no. Personally, I think I can't control when I can and can't speak, and I'm not exactly able to have a civil discussion in a moment like that. Head movements are the only way I'm able to communicate with others a lot of the time, so learning that people can find it 'disrespectful' is pretty upsetting. How am I supposed to help that?

Later, I heard her talking to someone on the phone about it, and my suicidal thoughts, and the scratching, and how she keeps getting rings from school saying how worried they are about me. I don't know who it was, but it was the thing my GP was trying to ring for like an hour. She got upset at them for not being helpful, and then said sorry she's just stressed about the whole thing. I felt bad. On Wednesday and Friday, I was out of class for most of the day.

Enough school talk... I was mardy about having to go to my dad's right after school on Friday, but I had a good time on Saturday chilling in the back room watching Jenn play Suck Up!; it was really funny. I enjoyed it, and Lily was so cute! I get really bad cuteness aggression; mainly with my cats but also people sometimes, haha. Like, my friend has this adorable sneeze and today she was playing with this my little pony figure she got and ughh I just wanted to like squeeze and shake her around so bad. Anyways, when I was watching those videos I started working on a Caramelldansen video (example 1, example 2, example 3) with Spidey's villains, beginning with Chameleon of course. <3 He looks sooooo adorable in the frame I've finished. I need this babygirl assasin SHOT!!

04/01/2025

Well, it's halfway through the first week of January, and all I've done is sleep and feel trapped. I'm not even sure where to start on fixing myself or detangling all of this. Clean my room? Except, in the morning, I have to go and spend the whole day and some of Sunday at my dad's, so I can't.

On Monday, I'm back at school. The thought makes me sick to my stomach, and I don't know what to do. I'm so sick of spending whole days in that corner sleeping until I physically can't, teachers forgetting my existence. The stupid remarks from everyone: 'ohh, i'm not a mindreader, you know! you have a functioning voice, don't you? you're year 11 now; stop hiding behind your coat. well she's not going to get anywhere like that, i'll tell you!' Yeah, I'm Year 11 now, so I'm not allowed to have any special needs or need support anymore! You know. The whole reason I'm at this school instead of at another one receiving an actually good education?? That last one still confuses me so much. I was awake, sitting up, DOING THE WORK (english, which i really struggle with!), yet the teacher was still acting like I wasn't literally right there and shit talking me to this asshole student?? Wow, thank you so much!! I feel so supported right now, guys!!!

Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. I'm sure these are all wonderful people who positvely impact kids lives. Just not mine, because I've decided to commit the horrific personal attack towards them that is sleeping in their class, and have an anxiety disorder that causes me to not be able to speak, and so obviously don't deserve support. Or need it, since I'm just so 'smart'!!! Anyways, nice victim complex right? I'm in a prison of my own making. Whatever!

I don't know. I just feel embarrassed all the time over everything I do and say. I can't even sit in peace due to the feeling I'm being watched.