04/01/2025

Well, it's halfway through the first week of January, and all I've done is sleep and feel trapped. I'm not even sure where to start on fixing myself or detangling all of this. Clean my room? Except, in the morning, I have to go and spend the whole day and some of Sunday at my dad's, so I can't.

On Monday, I'm back at school. The thought makes me sick to my stomach, and I don't know what to do. I'm so sick of spending whole days in that corner sleeping until I physically can't, teachers forgetting my existence. The stupid remarks from everyone: 'ohh, i'm not a mindreader, you know! you have a functioning voice, don't you? you're year 11 now; stop hiding behind your coat. well she's not going to get anywhere like that, i'll tell you.' Yeah, I'm Year 11 now, so I'm not allowed to have any special needs or need support anymore! You know. The whole reason I'm at this school instead of at another one receiving an actually good education?? That last one still confuses me so much. I was awake, sitting up, DOING THE WORK (english, which i really struggle with!), yet the teacher was still acting like I wasn't literally right there and shit talking me to this asshole student?? Wow, thank you so much!! I feel so supported right now, guys!!!

Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. I'm sure these are all wonderful people who positvely impact kids lives. Just not mine, because I've decided to commit the horrific personal attack towards them that is sleeping in their class, and have an anxiety disorder that causes me to not be able to speak, and so obviously don't deserve support. Or need it, since I'm just so 'smart'!!! Anyways, nice victim complex right? I'm in a prison of my own making. Whatever!

I don't know. I just feel embarrassed all the time over everything I do and say. I can't even sit in peace due to the feeling I'm being watched.